Marked for Dearth

Experts agree that bounty hunting is dangerous work best left to licensed professionals. However, you might be able to collect a decent-sized chunk of cash without having to drag an intoxicated bail jumper into custody at two in the morning.

If you’re a student or are unemployed (going by my budget, these are more or less synonymous), or if you just want to make a little extra cash, you may be in luck. Over the past few months, several organizations and individuals have created bounties ripe for the claiming:

• Gnome had been offering bounties for desktop integration work, but the deadline now seems to have passed.
• Mark Shuttleworth, the South African entrepreneur who visited the ISS in 2002, offers cash for work related to the Mozilla project.
• NewsMonster, unhappy with the night terrors the name of their flagship product seems to be inducing, is giving away some money to whoever helps name and brand their company.
• Handy with Photoshop? My brother, Phil Libin, is looking to brand his security blog. Make him a logo and banner that meets with his approval, and you’ll be $500 richer.

I stumbled upon this quote while writing my last post:

“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.”
– Steven Seagal

Three times the funny.

For too long, the comedy film genre has been represented too narrowly by only intentionally funny movies. I think it’s high time that we expand this category to include that most underappreciated of subgenres: cheesy, formulaic action movies from the ’80s and early ’90s. You know their hallmarks well - unlikely plots, laughable dialogue, music produced in the basement of a synthesizer company’s warehouse, and probably a mullet or two.

Cheesy action movies are subtle and varied. Many have become instantly recognizable classics, from Arnie and Sly’s early character studies (ahem) to Seagal’s Three-Word Transitionals (e.g. Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, On Deadly Ground). The magnum opus is, without a doubt, Commando. A friend of mine recently summed up its merits quite nicely: “Imagine a film stripped of any semblance of plot and reduced to pure, unadulterated action. It is the Google of action movies - simple, easy to understand, almost elegant. That is Commando.”

Memorable one-liners, a gratuitous “suiting-up” scene, and the implausible annihilation of an entire army by one man. Commando has them all. Check out this message board for a complete discussion.

Attention all college activists: reasonable people don’t want to be accosted as they walk to class or listen to some angry-looking bearded guy chant imperatives over a megaphone. “Free Mumia!”, “Long Live the Intifada!”, “Nuke the Whales!” - whatever it is. If you’re really trying to endear people to your cause, you’ll need to improve your PR skills. An unsolicited advertisement that champions some social or political end is no less unsolicited. Surprise, surprise - people don’t like it.

Sadly, some of these causes may actually deserve an audience but are being undermined by all the yelling and the shouting and the glavin! Instead of denouncing every guy with a camera as an agent of the Mossad, invite him to film firsthand the effects of the oppression you are protesting against. Showcasing the extent of the suffering may sway opinions and change minds; pumping your fists in the air and making people feel uncomfortable will not.

Now if only I could add my name to a Do Not Demonstrate registry…

I’ve observed a proven pattern for success in the software industry. You can implement it in three easy steps:

1. Identify a product or service that is unpleasant to use.
2. Make said product or service bearable.
3. Monetize it only if you can do it without breaking Step 2.

It’s hard to overstate how much more polished Google’s overall user experience is than that of its predecessors. If you’re like me, you probably don’t remember what search was like in, say, 1997 because hindsight has consigned all memories of that period to some deep recess of your mind. A short history: First the web was pure, then some marketing exec thought it would be cute to offer you $20 if you could hit a rapidly oscillating cartoon monkey as it danced across the seizure-inducing background of a banner ad. Google set a high usability standard and, in large part, made the web bearable again.

That’s the most conspicuous example of this pattern in action, but standalone software like the excellent Firefox web browser also makes skilled use of it. Again, the focus is on making the unpleasant tolerable (let’s leave making things pleasant for a future lecture). If you’ve used IE, chances are good that you’ve been bombarded by popup ads, cluttered your desktop by trying to view many sites simultaneously, and seen web sites resize your browser windows or play tricks with your status bar. In Firefox, the standard settings offer the least annoyance. Plain and simple.

Since my original post, many people have suggested new last names both in person and online (Phil - thanks for that extra bit of publicity). Candidates fall into the following categories:

1. Thematic. Eisenstadt means “iron city” in German. Select a word that incorporates or relates to “iron” in some fashion, either in English or some other language.
2. Geographic. Derive the new last name from the state that Eisenstadt is the capital of or a nearby city or state. (examples)
3. Historical Figures. Use the last name of an admired historical figure (e.g. Darwin, Locke, Huxley). Friends might not forgive me for calling myself Mark Darwin, though, and Mark Huxley sounds a bit hoity-toity.
4. Fictional Characters. The last good fiction I read was a pair of China Mieville novels. Mark Grimnebulin? Mark Coldwine?
5. Family. Modify a grandparent’s first/last name. For example, my maternal grandfather’s first name is Eliezer - this could be massaged into Lasser, Lasseter, or even Lazarus (its Latinized form).
6. The Joke’s on Me. Mark Fordeath, Mark Chismo, Mark Trial, Mark Yourcalendar. You get the idea.

Hopefully, I’ll make a final decision over the weekend and then jump on the paperwork.

[Continued]

One seemingly common business practice really, really annoys me. It goes something like this:

Company A develops a clever product or technology that takes off and becomes popular. Eventually, Company B (for behemoth) decides that A may actually be on to something and starts to fear for its own market share. At this point, B wakes from its stupor, thoroughly rips off A’s product, changes a few details to throw off the truly naive, and markets it under its own brand. Usually, B makes no mention whatsoever of A and parades this imitation as innovation. For shame.

Intel is not alone here; Microsoft also does this from time to time. C# has actually gained a lot of begrudging respect from Java programmers, but not because of its thinly-disguised “borrowed” constructs. Read through the C#/.NET documentation, and you’ll find plenty of these alterations. StringBuffer becomes StringBuilder. NullPointerException becomes NullReferenceException. The suggested method of doc comments goes from slash-star-star to three slashes. “See,” Microsoft seems to be saying, “C# really is different. Let us count the ways…” It’s amusing to think that some poor employee was tasked with this pointless chore, and, in carrying it out, may have actually slowed the platform’s adoption.

Superficial changes like these do not fool anybody. Big companies are certainly capable of innovation, but I wish they would tout only their true innovations and give their competitors credit where it is due (well, I can dream). Or at least acknowledge their existence.

For the past couple of years, I’ve entertained the idea of changing my last name. Now that I’ll be graduating in a few months, I’m starting to think that I’ll actually do it.

Why change? Mainly because, even when spelled correctly, it’s not particularly easy for others to pronounce or transcribe. When asked for my last name, I’ve grown accustomed to prefacing the reply with “let me spell it out for you”. And while most people retain their family names regardless of the views and opinions they take on as adults, it somehow seems more empowering to choose one in line with my character rather than chug along with the one I’ve been assigned.

I haven’t decided on a replacement. What’s more, any conversations I’ve had on this topic with friends ultimately produce names like “Mark Cobra” or “Mark Steele”. Fortunately, I see neither 80’s-esque action cheese nor porn stardom in my future.

Here are the requirements:

• one or two syllables (preferably two)
• nothing overtly ethnic (e.g. O’Reilly, Wong)
• nothing easily corruptible (e.g. Dafardter, Buttsnoofer)
• easy to pronounce
• easy to transcribe

Post your suggestions.

[Continued]