Marked for Dearth

Everyone deserves a personal Macromedia Flash intro. If you’re not familiar with this underrated form of ego-stroking, here’s a representative example (caution, Mom: rap music). Tell me you wouldn’t want to have a montage of yourself wearing expensive suits, getting water dumped on your head (?), and holding an American flag in front of a cheering crowd. Your brand demands it - and just because Diddy takes himself so seriously doesn’t mean you’d have to.

In fact, life would be vastly improved, or at least made more entertaining, if these intros were more widespread. Martha Stewart requires one, I hope that much is clear. As does Kim Jong Il. Naturally, both would be set to rap music with boastful lyrics. Consider, too, how much shorter and more interesting political campaign ads would be if they all took on this format.

And what’s in it for you? Well, prospective employers trolling social networks for evidence of binge drinking might instead learn of your esteemed past as a humanitarian, designer, entertainer, CEO - and maybe a painter, spiritual medium, and philosopher-king to boot.